Tag Archives: food

Mercy, Wholeness, and Self-Centered Perfectionism

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***Parallel Processing

Parallel process is a clinical term used to describe the common occurrence in therapy when the therapist’s own experience is reflected in the client’s. It is when a client comes in grieving over the loss of a loved one while the therapist has only just experienced his or her own loss as well. It is a therapist helping a client through feelings of anger and hurt that the therapist has also just recently confronted.

But, here’s the thing: we are all in parallel process. Too often in life it goes unsaid.

Here is where I say it.***

Our honey jar is almost empty.

Until my oldest daughter was in first grade she ate honey almost every day.

Ok, ok, for those of you who know us very well…she really ate the same thing EVERY day for EVERY meal.

Oatmeal for breakfast, peanut butter and honey sandwich for lunch, and chicken nuggets for supper.

We were going for the nutrition award as parents.

It worried us me sick, but eventually she grew out of her eating habits just like my more gracious friends and family members assured me she would.  She now eats salmon, tacos, and her favorite kind of food is anything “spicy”.

She grew out of her honey stage and now I am the only one in the family still eating honey on an almost daily basis.  So, when the honey is collecting almost empty at the bottom I dread to purchase a whole new jar just for me.

I often forget to leave the honey turned upside down, which makes it easier to pour out onto my toast.  In this situation, if I am running late in the morning, planning on eating my toast in the car on my drive to class in Knoxville, there is no hope that I will get the honey out in time.

Honey stuck at the bottom has to be turned upside down for what seems like an eternity before it runs all the way down to the bottom where it is useful to the person who wants to eat it.

All of my children have gone through stages when they have had little tolerance for anything less than “just right”.  Their food, their blankets, their homework, their clothes…if anything is out of order a meltdown ensues.  I often find myself doing a great deal of work helping my children learn to tolerate imperfection…so that they can keep moving forward…so they don’t get stuck…so they can laugh, enjoy life, and grow.

Growth and strength require flexibility and, like my children, I have struggled with being bendy since I was young.

In a very literal, P.E. class, presidential fitness test kind of way, too.  My arms just never seemed to match the length of my legs.  A dream of mine in grade school was to actually pass the reach test past my toes.  Since I could barely make it past my ankles, I never came close.

I still contend that something was wrong with the tendons in my legs that kept me from being a presidential fitness champion.

But, my lack of flexibility goes beyond my inability to touch my toes and if God had his own course schedule for me this school year I believe the course would be entitled: “Flexibility 101: Learning to Tolerate Imperfection”.

I have heard many people call themselves “perfectionists” and sometimes this proclamation carries an air of boasting to it.

What we often fail to realize is that perfectionists…TRUE perfectionists…often do not fare well in life.  Their obsession with perfection usually leads in one of a few directions:

  1. Never starting anything at all.  If you don’t do it, then you cannot fail.  Sometimes known as “Paralysis of Analysis”, people in this state will often spend a lot of time analyzing or planning, but never following through.
  2. Never finishing anything.  They get started, but out of fear of failure, they keep redoing, making changes, or stalling because as long as they are in process then no one can accuse them of failing.  After all…they aren’t finished yet!

And, remember what failure is…anything less than perfect.

3. The final, perhaps the most deadly, path of a perfectionist is when a person will put all sorts of valuable resources at risk in order to attain perfection.  These resources include time, sleep, loved ones, health, etc.

This path can lead to anxiety, depression, and all sorts of addiction.

Let’s be honest, shall we?  Perfectionism is insanely (and I do mean INSANE) self-centered.

The whole reason a person wants to be perfect is about their own image, what people think about them…their own reputation.

Perfectionism is rarely about benevolence and compassion.

Perfectionism is about the perfectionist.

Ouch.

I started this semester a little uneasy about how I was going to manage all of my responsibilities.  I have this bad habit that my husband now knows well.  When I get overwhelmed rather than shifting down a gear, I shift up.  I decide that the only way I will feel successful in this crazy time is if I do it all…and do it all perfectly.

So I can’t just pass my statistics class where we are studying things like polynomial regression…I have to make a 100 on every quiz.  Anything less and my day is a little bummed.  And, statistics is just one part of my responsibilities.  So I stay up late and get little sleep and put all sorts of demands on my time, re-writing notes three times to help me study, and going overboard in my teaching responsibilities, doing my best to never encroach on my children’s time because I have to be a perfect mama, too.

And, all through this school year I hear God’s whispering to me over and over again… I want you to learn to tolerate imperfection.  I want you to learn to be flexible.

NOT…I want you to be perfect, doing all things with excellence.

Somewhere in our American Christianity we have equated “excellence” and, perhaps, perfection, with faithfulness.

Matthew 5:48 does tell us to “be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect”.  Doesn’t than mean that perfection is not only condoned by God, but preferred?

What does this idea of perfection here mean?

The gospels often parallel each other and the beautiful part of hearing the story of Jesus from four different disciples is that we get a very full, beautiful, four-dimensional view of Jesus and His words.

Matthew 5:48 is found in the famous “Sermon on the Mount”.  The parallel passage for this section of Matthew is found in Luke. In fact, if you go and read both passages you will have fun seeing the similarities.  However, there is one striking difference and it has to do with the parallel verse to Matthew 5:48.

Luke 6:36 says: “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

What is the point here? What kind of information is this?  Maybe a closer look at the word “perfection” will give us some clues.

The word for perfection in Matthew 5:48 comes from a word that is translated 42 times as “whole”.

When you put all of this very cursory information together (you can find scholars who do a more exhaustive treatment of this subject I am sure) it seems that what God desires from us, more than perfection, is

Wholeness

Mercy.

My husband came down with the shingles last week.  He is an amazing, laid-back man with a big, kind, wise heart and a great sense of humor.  Although he was in pain he was able to laugh about his predicament.  Many people told him that shingles is caused by stress at which point he teased me.  I am pregnant and working on a Ph.D.  He wonders where the stress comes from?  Har-har.

I know I along with my pregnancy and Ph.D. didn’t cause my husband shingles (and so does he!), but I found myself hearing God’s whispers again.

I want you to learn to tolerate imperfection.  I want you to be flexible.

…so that you can keep moving forward…so you don’t get stuck…so you can laugh, enjoy life, and grow.

I’m like that honey in the jar.  Like SO much of our western, American society, I am so programmed to demand perfection. Like my children, I have a difficult time tolerating anything is not “just right”.   Changing my ways, altering my thinking is like turning a honey jar upside down.  It takes forever for the honey to start flowing down to where it is useful.

Like a train going in one direction, changing my way of approaching life means slowing the train down to a stop first.  There is a lot of screeching in that stage.

Then the train can start going the other way.

That Wednesday I took my statistics quiz.  I had made a conscious decision the night before not to stress out about it.  I just went with it. I was prepared, but I did NOT re-write my notes three times.

And, I did great.  I missed a question.  Big whoop.

When I got home I went through all the routine of picking up my kids, making supper, and getting ready for church.

In the middle of these preparations I got a phone call with information that was destined to rock our community.  A friend of mine, a precious family at our church, had lost a husband and a father, in a horrible accident…probably about the same time I was getting home from picking up my girls from school.

As I cried out for my friend and tears streamed down my face that night, I found myself hearing God’s whispers again.

“Please, please…

I want you to learn to tolerate imperfection.  I want you to be flexible.

…so that you can keep moving forward…so you don’t get stuck…so you can laugh, enjoy life, and grow.”

In that moment, worldly perfectionism will keep the friend from reaching out because the wrong word might get said.

Worldly perfection will steal, kill,and destroy moments with our loved ones…and, we are never promised tomorrow.

Christian perfectionism is concerned with mercy, wholeness, and relationship…all of which can get kind of messy and require tolerance for things being not “just right”.

Loss…grief…life…is rarely “just right”.

God, You don’t care about my perfection and excellence was not on Your mind when Your son was born in a dirty stable.  Neither does my husband expect it nor my friends or my kids.  I do.  In fact, the pursuit of worldly perfection is nothing more than a distraction from what is important…what matters in this world.

Wholeness….in relationship to others and with You.

Mercy…a merciful life with a full, gracious, open heart to others, You…and for myself.

I know you are still working on turning my train around.  It is a constant battle amidst and against the tides of our culture.  It may never be a done deal.  Thank you for Your patience with me.

I want to encourage you today to turn the honey jar of your way of being upside down.  Ask God to help you.  Stop your slave work to the hamster wheel demands of a wordly perfection that brings nothing but anxiety, depression, and regrets.

Work hard, sure.  I doubt I will stop doing that.  But, I promise your work will mean more and go further if you make room for wholeness and mercy in the context of relationships as your priority.

Christian perfection is just not the same as wordly perfection.

Any message that tells you otherwise is a lie.

I truly, passionately believe God is calling each of us and whispering the same message amidst and against the tide of our WORDLY perfection driven culture…

“I want you to learn to tolerate imperfection.  I want you to be flexible.

…so that you can keep moving forward…so you don’t get stuck…so you can laugh, enjoy life, and grow.”

“Slow down, you move too fast.
You got to make the morning last.
Just kicking down the cobble stones.
Looking for fun and feelin’ groovy.
Hello lamppost,
What cha knowing?
I’ve come to watch your flowers growing.
Ain’t cha got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in’ doo-doo,
Feelin’ groovy.

Got no deeds to do,
No promises to keep.
I’m dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep.
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me.
Life, I love you,
All is groovy.”

Simon and Garfunkel

Super Models

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Like lots of moms with [a few] kids, I avoid taking them to the grocery store all at one time.  They always want to ride in one of those big, obnoxious cars.  You know the ones…the huge cars that always run into about three other buggies when you try to make a turn into the next aisle.  Of course, Emmett, my two year old, wants the RED car…as in Lightening McQueen.  Where we shop there is only ONE red car buggie…usually stuck in the middle of about five other blue buggies.  So we spend the first ten minutes prying it out of its nesting spot and then disinfecting it with wipes that the store so graciously provides at the entrance…if the container is not empty.

My two oldest, Eloise and Lillian, prefer not to ride in the car anymore, so they walk next to me…one on each side…which creates another problem.  I am constantly directing them either to get in front of or behind me to stay out of everyone’s way.  Then, because they are not in the car (or perhaps Lillian starts in the car and then gets out), Emmett spends the entire shopping trip begging to walk like his sisters…if that doesn’t work: “I want you to hold me, mama!”

Right.

So, like I said…I avoid this.

And…sometimes it is unavoidable.  A couple of weeks ago Jon was working, all of the children were home on break, I had a dinner to make for someone, and there was no way to get around going to the store…with all three children.

So, off we go…lug red car out, disinfect, constantly move girls around to let people by, continuously tell Emmett that he cannot get out and no, I cannot hold him right now…all while consulting and checking off a list.

It is a relief to get to the checkout.  I know that it is almost over.

Really, though, all in all, it isn’t so bad.

I mean, it isn’t THAT treacherous of a journey.

Then I look over at my daughters, who are 6 and 8…who are just starting to enjoy their relatively new skill of reading.  Their eyes are stuck at eye level…right on the magazines.

“Lose 20 pounds in two weeks!”

“10 positions sure to make your man go crazy!”

“What a man REALLY wants.  We can tell you!”

“X and Y divorce after 3 months!”

“Eloise, Lillian!  Come here!  I, um, I need you to…put these things on the counter!  Can you help me?  Talk to Emmett.  Pull the cart over here.”

Lord, help me. That was close.  Note to self: another reason to avoid taking the kids to the grocery store…the magazine covers at the checkout!

Never had I even noticed the titles and now I cannot help but be agitated that they put those things at the eye level of children!

My daughters are getting closer and closer to pre-adolescence.  I remember those days.  From middle school to somewhere in my mid twenties, I would love to pour over magazines and read about all of the latest trends on losing weight, improving my shape, what guys wanted, etc. etc.

All of the things that we are supposed to look like.  All of the things we are supposed to be.  All of the things we are supposed to have.

Like super models.  All of us.  That is what those magazines tell us.

You’d better…or else.

Never mind that they spend hours fixing up those girls in the pictures and then doctoring the images to erase any left over blemishes.  The current of the media’s message is very strong.  And, many of us, especially at that impressionable age, tend to get swept along.

Be this.  Or…  you won’t have that.  That group of friends.  That job.  That boyfriend.  That life.

Thank God I am past that phase.  Phew.

I mean, I still subscribe to magazines, but they certainly do not have super models in them.  I read things like Southern Living, Real Simple, Coastal Living.

You know…the magazines that give me ideas for cooking, for my home.

They don’t tell me what to wear so much as they tell me what to cook, what my home should look like…

Wait a minute.

All of the things that we are supposed to look like.  All of the things we are supposed to have.  All of the things we are supposed to be.

You’d better…or else.

Like super models.  All of us.  That is what those magazines tell us.

Never mind that they spend hours fixing up those homes in the pictures and then doctoring images to erase any leftover blemishes.  The current of the media’s message is very strong.  And, many of us, especially at this impressionable age of being a mother, tend to get swept along.

Be this.  Or…  you won’t have that.  That group of friends.  That job.  That boyfriend or spouse.  That life.

Well, good grief.  Huh.

Well, I sure am glad men don’t seem to struggle with this thing of looking at magazines or the media for how we should be or act.

Wait.  That doesn’t sound right.  What was that statistic I heard the other day?  60% of men look at and use pornography?

You know…that industry that tell men (and women) what you should act like when having sex, what sex should look like in order to be exciting and “real”, that industry that tell us what our sex life should or could be if only we do what they do…

Like super models.  All of us.  That is what that industry tells us.

You’d better…or else.

Never mind that they spend hours fixing up those sex scenes in the pictures and then doctoring images to erase any leftover blemishes.  The current of the media’s message in this industry is very strong.  And, many of us, especially at this impressionable age of being sexual creatures tend to get swept along.

We get swept along and are told that we have to

Look like this.

Wear that.

Have this.

Buy that.

Do it this way.

Or…

You won’t have that.  That group of friends.  That job.  That boyfriend or mate.  That sex life.

If you don’t do all of these things and look like all of this then you will be…

Alone.

Get it right before you dare to get close to anyone…or you’ve lost before you even get started.  You’ll lose him, or her, or them.

When we lived in Prague we would frequent the market just down from our apartment…potraviny’s they are called and are found on many street corners.  One of our cheap indulgences that we could get at the potraviny was a frozen pizza.  When we were tired and needed an easy meal that all of us could enjoy we would run down the stairs to the street, into the potraviny, and then back up to pop in a frozen pizza.

European pizzas are different than most American versions.  They are very thin and crispy.

However, we found one pizza option that could help us connect to our roots.  It was ONE frozen pizza that was not thin and crispy.  It was HUGE in comparison to the others.

And…it was called…THE BIG AMERICAN.

We actually preferred the thin and crispy pizzas, but this name…all typed out in English…cracked us up.

We are known for liking things big…figuratively and literally.  We want the BIG fashion, the BIG look, the BIG house, the BIG sex life.

No moderation for us…no sir.  We want it BIG.  And, it has not gone unnoticed by our world neighbors.

But, it seems that for how BIG we demand it to be…for how much debt we go into trying to achieve it…debt monetarily, debt emotionally, debt relationally, debt physically…so often this pursuit of what is the latest, BIGGEST thing…

…leaves us empty…full of air…wanting more…still alone…

…and of little consequence in our personal worlds.

Jonathan Stone reminded me that media is just the plural form of medium.  Saul made a fatal mistake in his reign.  He trusted in the wisdom, advice, and direction of a medium (also known as a witch) over the wisdom, advice, and direction of the Lord.

What is a “medium”?  It is someone who is supposedly the medium between you and knowledge.  The “go-between”.

But, all knowledge comes from God and the fear of the Lord…and what is BIG to HIM…is the beginning of wisdom (Proverbs 1:7).  We don’t need a “medium”.  We can go straight to Him.

Saul died as a crazy, lonely, ridiculed man.

I am afraid too often we spin our wheels listening and paying more attention to the mediums (media) in our lives rather than the wisdom, advice, and direction of God.

I am afraid too often we end up pretty crazy…pretty lonely…pretty ridiculous…

…just trying to keep up with what is BIG…

…from listening to our own mediums…the media.

I have to tell you.  This idea hit me like a sledgehammer the other day.  I am aware of the magazines telling us about what to wear and how to look.  I could get up on a soapbox and use a bullhorn on that issue.  I also know the dangers of pornography telling us how sex should look.  I know about how both of these industries “normalize” a standard that can never be lived up to….a standard that will always leave people feeling overwhelmed with inadequacy and hopelessness.

I know that these feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy so often lead people to consume these forms of media MORE.  It becomes a cycle where people never feel good enough…and so they isolate…because they think, like these forms of media tell them: “You just aren’t perfect enough to really be close to someone yet.  You just don’t have it altogether enough yet.  Keep trying.”

What hit me is that I have bought into it, too.

It may not be my clothes or my hair.  I may not watch pornography, but in a sense it is all the same.

Anytime I look to forms of media to tell me what or how I should be or act I have looked elsewhere for knowledge and guidance.

I have bought into the lie.

So, I say…when my house looks this way I can have more people over.

Anytime I look to another “model” from the media for ANY part of life I am risking feeling inadequate, hopeless…and, as a result, isolated.

I’m going to get even more personal here for a minute.

Facebook is another form of media.

And, too often women (and men) look to it for knowledge.

For all of the things that we are supposed to look like.  All of the things we are supposed to be.

Like super models.  All of us.  That is what Facebook tells us.

You’d better…or else.

Never mind that they spend hours fixing up those picture or statuses that get posted and then doctor the images and thoughts to erase any left over blemishes.  The current of this media’s message is very strong.  And, many of us tend to get swept along.

Be this.  Or…  you won’t have that.  That group of friends.  That job.  That boyfriend or spouse.  That life.

Any time we look to a “model” other than the one that God gives us we are like Saul, seeking the knowledge of a medium rather than the wisdom of the Lord.  We are continuing to act out the way of Adam and Eve…listening to the words of darkness rather than trusting in Light.

The only super “model” is His model…not the models lifted up for us in magazines on fashion, home living, or pornography…and certainly not the models lifted up on Facebook.

Fashion super models and tabloids tell girls and young women that if they don’t look a certain way, they aren’t real or beautiful girls and they will never be good enough for a relationship.

Too often home living magazines send the message that if your home does not look like “this” you are not good enough in all sorts of ways and should not even think about pursuing providing hospitality.

Pornography tells men (and women) that if you do not have sex this way, your relationship is not good enough and it isn’t real or exciting enough.  Sadly, it tells wives (and husbands about their wives)…if you don’t look like this, like sex this way, or do things like this…you aren’t a real woman…and we don’t have a real sex life.

For a country that values independence we sure are dependent.  We depend on what the media tells us we should be, have, and look like.

I’m ready for freedom (Galations 5:1).  I’m ready to really try out independence and to really start thinking for myself.

So, please be aware of the magazines your daughters and sons see at the checkout.

Be aware of the magazines you yourself are reading…the facebooking you are doing…the TV you are watching.  The media you consume that tells you what is “normal”.

Don’t be such a follower…of all these so-called “super” models.

Get rid of the “go-between”…the “medium”…the media.

Think for yourself.  And, go straight to Him.